6 MONTHS AGO-
It was the day before I left for China, when I received a Facebook message from a young lady named, Rachel Winters. Rachel went to MBHOH in June of 2010. She lives just 30 minutes from me and we met through a mutual friend…actually, several mutual friends.
In the email, she wrote words that helped me tremendously as I was preparing for my trip in China for 12 days. The last part I wrote down in my China journal, which I took with me and had at all times while in China. I wrote just a paragraph down of what she told me:
“Enjoy every single minute while you’re there. Treasure the smells and the sights, even though the smells are completely disgusting. Let yourself feel – both pain and joy. Don’t wish for anything that’s coming up, but just let the Lord use all of you – heart, soul, mind, and strength – to bring HIM glory and to be HIS love to those sweet kiddos in every moment!”
In the email, she wrote words that helped me tremendously as I was preparing for my trip in China for 12 days. The last part I wrote down in my China journal, which I took with me and had at all times while in China. I wrote just a paragraph down of what she told me:
“Enjoy every single minute while you’re there. Treasure the smells and the sights, even though the smells are completely disgusting. Let yourself feel – both pain and joy. Don’t wish for anything that’s coming up, but just let the Lord use all of you – heart, soul, mind, and strength – to bring HIM glory and to be HIS love to those sweet kiddos in every moment!”
I almost have that memorized, because I kept that in my mind throughout the trip…live in THAT moment…don’t wish for anything head…just let the Lord use you in THAT moment. That’s something I kind of have trouble with. I’m either in the past or in the future. I’m either living moments over again or planning, in my head. So, I kept reminding myself to live in EACH moment while it’s there.
In my own opinion, I think I did a good job with that. I definitely appreciated everything so much more while I just lived in the “now.” And now, 6 months later, I’ll remember tiny details about that trip that will just make me smile. The feeling that I got when I experienced God’s presence as clear as could be, on the rooftop of MBHOH. The smell of the towels whenever I would dry my face off after a cold shower in the morning. The taste of the water in my bottle after it had set in the sun for hours while I painted. The feeling of children tugging my hair and slobbering all over me. Gabe’s hugs, Isaac’s smiles, Franky’s mysterious looks. Fighting jetlag while touring the Great Wall of China. The pain in my feet after walking all day. I love all of those moments and so many more. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
One memory that I will share, tonight, has been burnt into my mind forever: goodbye.
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| Last hug |
Sunday morning, June 12, 2011, I woke up at 5am once again to get ready to leave. I was stressed with packing up, trying to fit all of my stuff in my suitcase, I had to dry my Show Hope shirt, pour my heart out in the MBHOH book. It was a crazy morning…people everywhere. In the midst, I was trying to find time to say goodbye to Franky. I got my suitcase, ate breakfast, and pretty much ran down to the Jungle Book Room. There she was. I walked to her, got on my knees to her level, I hugged her tight, picked her up, and tears gently started to fall again. I held her one last time and I looked into her dark, dark eyes…while they stared back into mine. Her mouth hanging open like it always does. I whispered with all of the faith inside of me, “we’ll be together again.” Of course, she’s 2 years old, she speaks a different language….she didn’t know what was going on. But I continued with, “I love you.” She was flipping my silly bands at me while I did the hardest thing in my life. I didn’t care. I kissed her forehead and tickled her as she shot me a big smile. I watched her every move. Remembering her. Taking pictures in my mind. I never wanted to forget that moment.
After just sitting there, with Madeleine, we avoided, “goodbye.” The Nanny took her and some others out of the room. I thought they were going to the playground or something. We couldn’t understand the Nannies when Madeleine and I asked where they went. Because they didn’t come back after a while. So, we went to the playground and they weren’t there…the two of us actually ran down the driveway, looking for them. We finally came back inside to find out that they went for a walk, they went way out, we could’ve never caught them. I actually never said goodbye to Franky. At the time, I felt like I needed to hug her one more time….I needed to see her one more time….I needed one more smile. Just one more. And, I was upset.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everybody says that: Everything happens for a reason. And I find it to be true.
I think that there was a reason why they chose to take a walk the day we left…when they had all week. Or that they chose that morning, when they had all day. But they chose that moment…that unexpected moment. A part of me was angry with all of the “what if’s,” and “you could’ve.” But it happened for a reason. I didn’t know why at the time, but I later thought that maybe it would’ve hurt worse for her to see me leave than it was for me to see her leave. God planned it all out perfectly and knew very well just how fragile her heart can be. But, as I stood there in the lobby, my hopes sunk, my heart tore, and my tears of sadness fell rapidly down my face. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again….and if I did, it would be a long time. I was unsure about the future and in that moment, I easily decided that I’ve never done anything quite as difficult as leaving Franky.
Everyone on my team knew my love for her. They all knew how much it meant for me to say goodbye to her and how much of a disappointment it was for me not to. So many people started hugging me. At the moment, I wanted to just be alone. I didn’t want to be asked if I was okay. Because I wasn’t. But, thinking of it now, I needed that. I needed them.
After just sitting there, with Madeleine, we avoided, “goodbye.” The Nanny took her and some others out of the room. I thought they were going to the playground or something. We couldn’t understand the Nannies when Madeleine and I asked where they went. Because they didn’t come back after a while. So, we went to the playground and they weren’t there…the two of us actually ran down the driveway, looking for them. We finally came back inside to find out that they went for a walk, they went way out, we could’ve never caught them. I actually never said goodbye to Franky. At the time, I felt like I needed to hug her one more time….I needed to see her one more time….I needed one more smile. Just one more. And, I was upset.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everybody says that: Everything happens for a reason. And I find it to be true.
I think that there was a reason why they chose to take a walk the day we left…when they had all week. Or that they chose that morning, when they had all day. But they chose that moment…that unexpected moment. A part of me was angry with all of the “what if’s,” and “you could’ve.” But it happened for a reason. I didn’t know why at the time, but I later thought that maybe it would’ve hurt worse for her to see me leave than it was for me to see her leave. God planned it all out perfectly and knew very well just how fragile her heart can be. But, as I stood there in the lobby, my hopes sunk, my heart tore, and my tears of sadness fell rapidly down my face. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again….and if I did, it would be a long time. I was unsure about the future and in that moment, I easily decided that I’ve never done anything quite as difficult as leaving Franky.
Everyone on my team knew my love for her. They all knew how much it meant for me to say goodbye to her and how much of a disappointment it was for me not to. So many people started hugging me. At the moment, I wanted to just be alone. I didn’t want to be asked if I was okay. Because I wasn’t. But, thinking of it now, I needed that. I needed them.
When we were piling into the little Chinese bus, to leave, I agreed to sit in the front with my very good friend, Callan Kreidel. We took our picture in front of MBHOH and waved goodbye to the nurses, preschool teacher, etc. I sat by Callan in the front, and broke. I didn’t care for that moment…instead of, “I want this to be over with,” my thoughts were more like, “I never even wanted this to happen.” But, then I thought back to what Rachel told me: “Let yourself feel – both pain and joy. Don’t wish for anything that’s coming up….let the Lord use all of you in THIS moment.” I knew that there would be hard moments along with the joyful ones. It was hard to see the good side in that moment of pain, but, as I thought of that on the bus, a song popped into my head. I grabbed my iPod, put one headphone in my ear, the other in Callans. I turned it to the song, “Miracle of the Moment,” by Steven Curtis Chapman. The lyrics were right on, the notes hit home, the emotion in that song was unexplainable for what I was feeling….the song was perfect. One thing in particular really got me:
“And if it brings you tears, taste them as they fall. Let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, then throw your head back…let it go…let it go…let it go.”
I sat there in awe of what God was saying to me. Callan squeezed my hand as tight as she possibly could and we cried together, all the way from MBHOH to the Luoyang airport.
I wrote this whole experience - all of the moments that day – in my journal, on the plane from Luoyang to Beijing, whenever my travel buddies fell asleep. In the midst of snoring, giggling, Chinese talking that sounded like gibberish to me….tears streamed down my face as I wrote down each moment in my notebook.
I closed that story with this:
“Today, while I was rubbing Franky’s face and her dark, textured hair….I accidentally called her Sophie.”
“Today, while I was rubbing Franky’s face and her dark, textured hair….I accidentally called her Sophie.”
Now, I think it wasn’t accidental. Now, I think that not being able to say goodbye wasn’t accidental. Because not even two months after that heartbreaking moment, we got a call saying, “we found her file. She’s yours if you want her!” With all of the excitement and tears of joy, I realized that I never said goodbye because God knew that I was going to see her again. Not only see her ONCE more, but I get to see her for FOREVER. It wasn’t accidental that I called her Sophie, either…because God knew that her name would be Sophie long before she stepped foot on this earth!
Isn’t God incredible? I am still amazed whenever I tell this story. I still get goose bumps whenever I stop to realize that she IS my sister. It still seems unreal for me.
Prayer Request:
Please, everyone, pray HARD that we receive our i800a very, very SOON. It is our next step in the process and we’re very anxious to be moving on.
And, of course, that Sophia will stay healthy and happy while she waits for us and as we wait for her.
Please, everyone, pray HARD that we receive our i800a very, very SOON. It is our next step in the process and we’re very anxious to be moving on.
And, of course, that Sophia will stay healthy and happy while she waits for us and as we wait for her.
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| Isaac and Sophia! |
PRAISE! (I love these:)
I am so EXCITED for the Wright family!!!!! They will be heading to China for CHRISTMAS to get their precious little boy, ISAAC!....and BRING HIM HOME!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!! I am SO pumped. Isaac and Sophie are really great friends at MBHOH. They’re always together. I’m sure that they will be sad to depart from one another, BUT….when they’re both with their FOREVER families, they will only be two states away! I see lots of play dates in our future!! :) Ohhh my. I am so excited.
I am so EXCITED for the Wright family!!!!! They will be heading to China for CHRISTMAS to get their precious little boy, ISAAC!....and BRING HIM HOME!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!! I am SO pumped. Isaac and Sophie are really great friends at MBHOH. They’re always together. I’m sure that they will be sad to depart from one another, BUT….when they’re both with their FOREVER families, they will only be two states away! I see lots of play dates in our future!! :) Ohhh my. I am so excited.
Thanks, everybody!
-Emily
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| Merry Christmas from the Edwards Family!!! |
Steven Curtis Chapman's "Miracle of the Moment."
It's time for letting go
All of our if only's
'Cause we don't have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything
'Cause we are who and where
And what we are for now
And this is the only moment
We can do anything about
So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment
There's only one who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is he's out there waiting
To Him the future's history
And He has given us
A treasure called right now
And this is the only moment
We can do anything about
So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go
And listen to your heartbeat, yeah
Breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment
