Broken

 The past two weeks have sure been something else.  I’m pretty sure the entire month of September, I carried around this huge list of things I needed to get done – with school mainly and other random things I’ve just needed to finish.
 I’m really big into lists and this list was big.  But, I can do it.  Because I’m super woman, right?  Right?  Wrong.

 I love success.  I truly love accomplishing things, feeling good about myself, getting many things done.  I wish I didn’t love it that much, but I do…and it’s gotten me in trouble.  You see, as much as I’d like to believe and let people believe that I have fully trust the Lord with my life and everything inside of it, I still hold my strength, my abilities so close to me.  Because? Trust is hard and it means that I have no control and I don’t get a plan written out in advance.  And the human inside of me loves to be in control, loves to see, loves to succeed.

 But, weeks went by quickly and the list never got shorter, it just constantly screamed at me, you can’t do it this time! You.can’t.do.it.

 But I can do all things! I’ve loved Philippians 4:13 ever since I was really small because of its positivity and when life screamed, you can’t do it, I always say, “I can do all things!”
 This is great, but in the last week, I’ve just realized that I’m missing out on the verse as a whole.

 

 Earlier today, Mom came into my room with Sophia skipping along behind.  We laid down, stared at the ceiling, and began to spill our weary hearts out with everything making life difficult.  Ridiculous Algebra homework.  Prayer requests that seem unheard.  Discouraging phone call about Sophia’s medical needs.  Millions of calls to be made and bills to be paid and college applications and a dirty house and I’m not good enough and I’m just tired of this and I want Jesus.

  Friends, my heart is weary.  And fixing all of these problems is simply impossible.

 Right at that time, Sophia wanders around my bedroom, just looking for something to get into.  She rips my full length mirror off of my wall, brings it to us, plays with it a little bit, bends it, bam. Glass…broken glass….everywhere.
 Glass in my floor, glass in my bed, glass in my shoes.  Broken glass scattered everywhere.  I studied the frame to see if it were repairable…absolutely not.  Looks like I’m going to the store.

 I could try to repair it by myself but it would look terrible and wouldn’t get the job done.  I could try to stand it up by itself but it would fall to pieces because it’s broken.

 I realized that this was my life.
 I’ve been broken this whole time.
 I try to stand myself up but I fall apart because….I'm broken.
 And…this whole time, I’ve repaired my brokenness with my own hands and my own abilities.
 And it’s a joke.  Because we all know that the only way we can get the job done after being broken is being made new.
 Made new in Christ.

 

 I can’t do anything.  I can’t complete this heavy load of hard things to do that I’ve carried on my back for months.  I can’t heal my sister or fix terrible situations or make all of these problems disappear.  My strength alone can only go so far and after it’s quickly gone, I’m weak, I fail, I mess up.
 But the second and most important part of Philippians 4:13 has become clearer to me than it ever has been.  Friends, it is THROUGH CHRIST that we have strength to do all things.  I can do all things, but only through Christ who strengthens me.  Hallelujah.  It is by His stripes I am healed…by His power I am raised from dead into new life….by His finished work on the cross I am free.

 

 "My flesh and my heart may fail,
 but God is the strength of my heart
 and my portion forever."
 Psalm 73:26